In high school a fringe friend or familiar aquaitance once asked me if I was a rebel. I remember being shocked by the question, we were after all standing in line to get drinks at a church activity I had attended voluntarily*. I wasn't good on the level he was, I liked to speed in my mustang and didn't automatically assume people in power were right, but the next year I would log more volunteer hours than anyone in my high school class, so I couldn't have been causing that much trouble. I was not a rebel then, nor am I now really. I don't sleep around, I don't drink excessively or illegally, to spite opportunities I've never smoked pot. I'm in college, I work, pay my own rent, I want to spend next year working full time doing community service and disaster relief. I plan on getting my masters in international relations and working abroad. The thing is I honestly believe that my family would be more proud of me if I dropped out today, got married, had a baby and worked a kohls for the rest of my life, than if I cured every disease from baldness to cancer. So there it is my great rebelion... singleness. [My mother attacks this rebelion in a general way constantly discussing my life as a married women. My sister is more specific saying things like we've decided you should marry him, do you want me to say something to him. (um how bout no I'm a big girl and if I thought it was a good idea to start a long distance relationship with a guy I've known since jr. high and barely spoken to since college I'd mention it to him myself)] I love Melissa and honestly she is everything that CHS is looking for in alumni, a missionary wife, one of the girls from her class could become president but if she's single, Melissa would still win at the reunion. Thats the funny thing about christian culture singleness in comparison to dating is always described as a gift, something that always you to pursue God and your future free from distraction. Singleness in comparison to marriage is always described as a burden, to heavy to bare, to open to temptation. How did we create an entire culture that believes dating is evil and marriage is holy. How is everyone meant to end up married with out dating? How can either, free from specifics be discussed in such black and white terms? Singleness to me in neither a great gift or a terrible burden and a relationship would be neither a great relief or a huge distraction. I often frustrate my mother because I refuse to talk about my wedding or my children or what things will be like when I'm married. She seems to think that my not wanting to plan that aspect of my life means I have intrinsically negative feelings towards men or commitment or something. That's not it, I don't hate men or find marriage to the right one to be an oppressive institution, but why should I plan a life around one who may or may not materialize?

* (what follows is an irrelevent tangent) I believe we were having a dinner or maybe just a hang out with a potential youth pastor, he didn't get the job, anyway for anyone who cares or has been there I believe we were standing by that wood bar in the youth room at grace.

It's amazing how much stuff we "need" to have with us just to leave the house. Today I left the house planning to be gone for about four hours. With me I had a wallet, keys, cell phone, Ipod, laptop (and cord), two text books, folders, pens, pencils, tic tacs, soda, granola bar, and lip gloss. All of this in an effort to be prepared, connected, and disconnected all at once. After all if I didn't want people to talk to me I wouldn't carry a phone, on the other hand if I wanted to talk to people why am i wearing headphones? I like lap tops, mp3 players, and cell phones, but somedays I think it would be nice to live an era pre debt card, keys, phones, and all the other excessive techno tethers. In other news I haven't worked in 7 days and its like I don't know what to do with myself, even though I have a ton of stuff I need to be working on, Its a different kind of task, writing papers, research, packing, unpacking are these ongoing tasks working (at the low level I do) has the advantage of being productive while having a defined end time. Anyway I'm back in Kville if you couldn't tell and I'm living with my 11th- 14th roommates of my college career, honestly I haven't learned their names yet, as strange as it seems their names seem kind of insignificant at this point.

I'm spending this summer working in a brake factory. As a young female I'm a bit of a novelty, I'm reminded of Jr. High when all the girls would get excited about a new boy starting at school. Otherwise the work is monotonous and the shifts are ten hours long (I'd give my first pay check to anyone who invents a good standing shoe). I work 4pm to 2:30am sometimes we stay til 4am (after your first 2 weeks overtime is mandatory) Mon-Thur with additionaly 8 hour weekend shifts as needed. I worked 49 1/2 hours last week Its exhausting i spend most of my free time sleepng and I've lost all sense of time I find my self being surprised by the sunshine at say 3pm. Thats really all thats going on in my life.